Under the Covers

Days go by, getting colder and colder. I have good friends, I have lost friends. I disappoint myself. My husband had me stop taking the birth control pill because he thought I was getting fat. One of my girlfriends says that's the reason for my emotional rollercoaster. I also heard that Anth volunteered to go to Afghanistan to assist in operations out there in the future. It may or may not happen. Here I've been sticking around cuz I thought it would be cruel to leave, to take his 3 year old daughter from him at this age. But he volunteered to leave us. All for the sake of money, of course. But I don't care as much about money as he does. I feel ...undriven. Definitely not motivated. I called my Dad cuz he always makes me feel like the old me, the young me. But he actually hung up on me cuz his new girlfriend came over, probably with drugs, and the party must go on, with or without me. I miss that party, but I love my family more. I wish it weren't such a tightrope of tension.
Ah...a friend stopped by with words of encouragement and a shot of courage. It's so nice to know that people KNOW me. It's also frightening. Am I that visible? I shouldn't be. I thought all my guards were up and working all this time. They've kept people off my trail for years, and now, suddenly, peep holes are appearing in my armor of defense mechanisms. They appear in my nightmares. Last night I dreamt that my well-perfected catwalk of confidence had decayed. I was so in pain that I couldn't stand straight and tall, let alone strut with an in-your-face, don't fuck with me attitude. I wonder if I can pull out of this downward spiral. The last time I felt this hopeless I was younger, kicking synthetic medications created by the government to tear the little folk down. This time I'm just kicking...myself. What is wrong with me? I need to start working out again. It's an addiction I should keep. I was still sad, but was able to disguise it with my healthy glow, ha ha. Oh well, it may be just a temporary lapse of reason. My optimism is working its way back home to me. I know it will find me here, waiting in the usual spot. Under the covers.