Mother's Day 2011

I had a very relaxing Mother's Day weekend. As Arlo Guthrie once wrote to me: "No expectations, no disappointments". We went shopping, took Elise swimming in a very cold pool, and just talked to eachother about personal stuff. I liked it. Mother's Day has always been a sad day for me because my Grandma Lupe (who raised me through the rough times) died the night of Mother's Day, 1994. I still have the dried roses I gave her that day. But being a mother now has softened the blow, given me something to be happy about, even though she won't let me write about the love I feel for her and Anthony cuz she's calling for me right now. "Come here, Mama! I need you!" Oh well, if it wasn't her stopping me it would be him needing me for something. At least I'm needed and loved. That is a very important responsibility and I rise to the challenge. So, adieu, duty calls! :)

Strange Days

So many bizarre things have been happening of late. Maybe it's true what people say: A change is coming. People, things, our environment, morphing into something different. I don't think I like it. It's not an easy-going, happy feeling. It's tense, like waiting for a tornado to hit, or being in the eye of it. My power trio family is doing well. We're all getting along and loving eachother. But others in my life have fallen by the wayside. After 17 years or so my best friend has made her final exit from my life, to my benefit I'm sure. I look back at the things that have happened and I get angry I let myself be used so often. I was knowingly used. I let it happen. I've wasted so much time. Family, love, helping who you can without taking from yourself, these are important things. Yes, giving of yourself without taking from yourself. Save the best for those who matter. Your children, your family. They are all you have or need. Keep them safe and let life do what it will, I guess. We are still under God's eye.

Christmas is Coming!

I love nighttime now. Even though I'm an incurable insomniac, I watch Elise sleeping curled up under Anthony's arm as they both snore. She is beautiful! And she does the weirdest things when she sleeps. Last night she sat up, said "Bleep, bloop, blop" and laid back down, sleeping soundly. Like a little robot. What do 3 year olds dream of? Sometimes she wakes up crying, but sometimes it's just hilarious gibberish. Her dad does that too. The gibberish part. Yes, I used to dread the bedtime battle for sleep, but now I feel peaceful, calm. I just watch them both, mostly her, with complete adoration. That child is my best friend. My carbon copy. She sings like me, she dances like me, she does whatever I do, and that makes me paint a smile on my face - everyday. I dive full-force into my day with her. I talk to her about silly things I can't talk to anyone else about. I've always been a kid at heart,(some say immature), but I want her to see life as a chance to improve on our next day here. She makes everything I do an opportunity to brighten her life, to shape her personality into a strong, creative being. I am very lucky I've had the ability to be a work-from-home mom. I don't think we would have as close a relationship as we do if she was being raised at some day care. I know some mothers have no choice, but some mothers are glad for the break. To each her own. It may be good for some personalities. Some people need space, but she and I feel a mutual bond. We both enjoy eachothers company. It reminds me of my relationship with my grandmother. We could talk about anything. She was always my best friend. This year we have mega presents for her under the tree. I don't know if that's good for her or not. I don't know whether to follow up on the Santa myth either. I tell her it's Jesus birthday, but he loves us so much that he lets Santa give us all his presents if we're really good. Anthony doesn't want Santa taking credit for the presents he's buying. That's kind of funny. I mean, Santa isn't real, ya know? But I was the oldest of three and we didn't have lots of money when I was a kid, so my mom asked me to forego the Santa present so the younger ones could get more. I kept the secret so long I think my sister still believes in Santa. (She probably just does that so she gets the extra presents, haha!)

Why Did I Think I Liked Christmas?

It all started when I was thirteen and I started my very first period on Christmas Day. Man, I was so happy cuz I thought this meant I was an adult. I could now do as I pleased. A full grown woman. Well, we all know what a cruel joke that was. My mom was even laughing her ass off at the irony. So why do I insist on hopefully looking forward to this date as if it were an actual holiday? I mean, it's not even Jesus' real birthday. Maybe that's what this is supposed to remind me of. After all, it's supposed to be Jesus' birthday, yet we move the date and give ourselves the presents. This day is just wrong from the start.

Under the Covers

Days go by, getting colder and colder. I have good friends, I have lost friends. I disappoint myself. My husband had me stop taking the birth control pill because he thought I was getting fat. One of my girlfriends says that's the reason for my emotional rollercoaster. I also heard that Anth volunteered to go to Afghanistan to assist in operations out there in the future. It may or may not happen. Here I've been sticking around cuz I thought it would be cruel to leave, to take his 3 year old daughter from him at this age. But he volunteered to leave us. All for the sake of money, of course. But I don't care as much about money as he does. I feel ...undriven. Definitely not motivated. I called my Dad cuz he always makes me feel like the old me, the young me. But he actually hung up on me cuz his new girlfriend came over, probably with drugs, and the party must go on, with or without me. I miss that party, but I love my family more. I wish it weren't such a tightrope of tension.
Ah...a friend stopped by with words of encouragement and a shot of courage. It's so nice to know that people KNOW me. It's also frightening. Am I that visible? I shouldn't be. I thought all my guards were up and working all this time. They've kept people off my trail for years, and now, suddenly, peep holes are appearing in my armor of defense mechanisms. They appear in my nightmares. Last night I dreamt that my well-perfected catwalk of confidence had decayed. I was so in pain that I couldn't stand straight and tall, let alone strut with an in-your-face, don't fuck with me attitude. I wonder if I can pull out of this downward spiral. The last time I felt this hopeless I was younger, kicking synthetic medications created by the government to tear the little folk down. This time I'm just kicking...myself. What is wrong with me? I need to start working out again. It's an addiction I should keep. I was still sad, but was able to disguise it with my healthy glow, ha ha. Oh well, it may be just a temporary lapse of reason. My optimism is working its way back home to me. I know it will find me here, waiting in the usual spot. Under the covers.

Church

We went to church today and I was actually disappointed that the sermon wasn't longer. It was a guest pastor and he didn't hit all the points mentioned in the handout, but sitting there...it was like I wanted to spend the whole day going over the Bible with Anthony. We were getting along great this weekend and even if it's thanks to shopping, pill popping or bar hopping; outer space or inner peace, it still means something. One day at a time - that's what's working for me lately. If I can just get us all through one day intact, no fights or tears, it starts to build a foundation. Sometimes it gets broken down piece by piece till there IS NO PEACE. I feel like the situation is hopeless in those moments. I want to take Elise and run away before she gets damaged by the negative force field being created around us all. But when we are a happy, typical middle-class family, going out to the bouncy place, dinner, shopping for gigantic mega-toys for her (like the Barbie Jeep that even has a stereo in it!), then I'm blown away by the wholesome happiness. I feel like an accomplished writer or a talented artist who has finished a masterpiece. My beautiful family. I've wanted a family to call my own ever since my spotted childhood. I want to give Elise what every child deserves. A solid foundation to build her life on.

Systematic-Problematic

We have the perfect ingredients for a happy family and all the good things that encompasses. Except for sanity. My husband is constantly a rollercoaster of anger, neediness, greediness, just an unsympathetic in-your-face bully.With our beautiful daughter telling us stories and scratching his back to help him fall asleep, he can continue to degrade the both of us. It makes her cry, this makes him angrier. I don't understand what changed him. Another girl? His new "assistant" who although single, childless, and 20 years younger than us apparently holds the secret of being a great mother and wife and has told him I'm not it. He tells me how she has critiqued my mothering style and declared my child ruined. Yes, she is so worldly and wise she is quite sure my 3 year old daughter is already an unfixable mess. Now, either he is making this up to hurt me and Elise, or he actually discusses our private family matters with his new co-worker. In either case, he is bullying a 3 year old girl who thinks the world of him. He has been terrible to me before, but now he's allowing some other girl to put me and my child down. He says this girl is secretly pregnant, although she states on her profile that she's single. He says its a secret because it's a co-workers. I just hope he's not the co-worker. She's far enough along that it coincides with the night he stormed out and went out with her, coming in after midnight. Thank God for nosy friends and cell phone cameras. He's been a terror ever since then. I pray he didn't knock her up. That's a dealbreaker,(thank you, Tina Fey!)If he did I will know. Because I know he's half Japanese and she doesn't. But his son and my daughter both show it. That's how I'll know it! I almost ran home to my dads with Elise, but I was afraid to take that big step (and long drive). I pray that our family is still intact, but his erratic mood swings are still tearing us apart. I love being a wife and mother, but he wants to be taken care of, financially. I haven't worked full-time since I had my baby. She'll be my only one, I think, so I've given her my all. And I'm so proud of her and that I was able to change my way of life to accomodate this mini-me. I shouldn't even be writing about this. It's just speculation and a lonely housewifes crazy fears. But it keeps me up at night as I hold her close to me. She deserves a perfect life. That would include a perfect mother AND father. I hate that I can't just WILL it into being. I'll just keep returning my daughter's bright smiles back to her, and keep telling her we're all happy. Then maybe we will be.