Church

We went to church today and I was actually disappointed that the sermon wasn't longer. It was a guest pastor and he didn't hit all the points mentioned in the handout, but sitting there...it was like I wanted to spend the whole day going over the Bible with Anthony. We were getting along great this weekend and even if it's thanks to shopping, pill popping or bar hopping; outer space or inner peace, it still means something. One day at a time - that's what's working for me lately. If I can just get us all through one day intact, no fights or tears, it starts to build a foundation. Sometimes it gets broken down piece by piece till there IS NO PEACE. I feel like the situation is hopeless in those moments. I want to take Elise and run away before she gets damaged by the negative force field being created around us all. But when we are a happy, typical middle-class family, going out to the bouncy place, dinner, shopping for gigantic mega-toys for her (like the Barbie Jeep that even has a stereo in it!), then I'm blown away by the wholesome happiness. I feel like an accomplished writer or a talented artist who has finished a masterpiece. My beautiful family. I've wanted a family to call my own ever since my spotted childhood. I want to give Elise what every child deserves. A solid foundation to build her life on.

Systematic-Problematic

We have the perfect ingredients for a happy family and all the good things that encompasses. Except for sanity. My husband is constantly a rollercoaster of anger, neediness, greediness, just an unsympathetic in-your-face bully.With our beautiful daughter telling us stories and scratching his back to help him fall asleep, he can continue to degrade the both of us. It makes her cry, this makes him angrier. I don't understand what changed him. Another girl? His new "assistant" who although single, childless, and 20 years younger than us apparently holds the secret of being a great mother and wife and has told him I'm not it. He tells me how she has critiqued my mothering style and declared my child ruined. Yes, she is so worldly and wise she is quite sure my 3 year old daughter is already an unfixable mess. Now, either he is making this up to hurt me and Elise, or he actually discusses our private family matters with his new co-worker. In either case, he is bullying a 3 year old girl who thinks the world of him. He has been terrible to me before, but now he's allowing some other girl to put me and my child down. He says this girl is secretly pregnant, although she states on her profile that she's single. He says its a secret because it's a co-workers. I just hope he's not the co-worker. She's far enough along that it coincides with the night he stormed out and went out with her, coming in after midnight. Thank God for nosy friends and cell phone cameras. He's been a terror ever since then. I pray he didn't knock her up. That's a dealbreaker,(thank you, Tina Fey!)If he did I will know. Because I know he's half Japanese and she doesn't. But his son and my daughter both show it. That's how I'll know it! I almost ran home to my dads with Elise, but I was afraid to take that big step (and long drive). I pray that our family is still intact, but his erratic mood swings are still tearing us apart. I love being a wife and mother, but he wants to be taken care of, financially. I haven't worked full-time since I had my baby. She'll be my only one, I think, so I've given her my all. And I'm so proud of her and that I was able to change my way of life to accomodate this mini-me. I shouldn't even be writing about this. It's just speculation and a lonely housewifes crazy fears. But it keeps me up at night as I hold her close to me. She deserves a perfect life. That would include a perfect mother AND father. I hate that I can't just WILL it into being. I'll just keep returning my daughter's bright smiles back to her, and keep telling her we're all happy. Then maybe we will be.