I've Got a Feeling

For some reason, I've got a feeling that the rest of the year may hold some happy surprises. I don't know why. For one thing, for the first time since the birth of my child I'm going out to see a real punk gig in Dallas. My Mother is going to babysit for what to her is a long time. I wonder what it'll be like...my husband and I heading out for a 3 hour drive to the show, without our little one directing our course. We may discover we are still insanely in love, babbling incessantly like two kids on a 10 minute recess, or maybe it will feel like a more secure, bonded relationship. Two lovers joined at the hip with no need for words, just holding hands as we drive and enjoying the precious silence we always took for granted. Silence used to be a bad thing. Now, it's comforting. The prescence of my longtime secret-holder, staring at me as we slowly fall asleep in bed, having small discussions about the milestones our child hit that day. Or will we drink too much and dredge up past aggressions? Having a horridly long 3 hour drive home, getting lost after midnight and blaming eachother? I wonder...my dreams tell me I love him, I fear losing him, being abandoned. Then I cry out and he's there, waking me from my nightmares, calming me back to sleep. I like that.

Oil Spill

Well, it's been about a month since the oil rig explosion and there is still no sign of a solution to the millions of gallons of oil gushing into our oceans, killing mass amounts of ocean life. The Louisiana marshes are covered in it. A disgusting orange sludge that's killing everything in it's path. I hope it doesn't reach my beautiful California coast. The oil companies knew of the impending rig disaster, but were supposedly doing drugs and sleeping with the very people responsible for overseeing the safety of their operation. Seriously...
I mean, we all enjoy the ocean in some way, don't we? I love sushi. I love dolphins. I feel good spotting a sea lion swimming in the wake of some yacht in the Laguna Harbor. I feel selfish hoping that my little area of serenity will escape the slime, but I know there is no way everyone will make it out all right. I'm already seeing the Governor of Louisiana pulling dead pelicans out of the "blob". Yes, it's basically just like a Stephen King horror novel. Oops, my five minutes of freedom are up. My husband is done with his routine, and I'm not allowed one so back to the trenches I go. Dinner in the average American household must go on.

Mother's Day

It actually turned out to be wonderful. My brother who I haven't spoken to in about a year invited me to see my niece, Jazzy, get baptized. I didn't get to sleep in for Mother's Day, but it was well worth it. We took my Mom and her husband to eat afterwards. I think the greates gift for my Mother was that we all were speaking to eachother again. My husband was being wonderful, and took me clothes shopping. Something I've neglected to do since I've had Elise and my weight is constantly changing. It feels so good to have a new wardrobe for summer! So afterwards we went to the local skate park and I was able to take some action shots of him pulling some tricks. All in all, a very good day.

Being Mastered

It's a beautiful Saturday. Already I've gotten to see my mother, my nieces and nephews, and my best friend. Weekends are supposed to be the two days a week my husband, Anthony, tries to do fun things with our daughter and I get to sleep in. This was an idea our marriage therapist had so I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. Unfortunately, after the first couple of weekends my "me time" became forgotten. Now, a few months later, weekends have become even more overwhelming than before. Mostly because I was expecting to have my own hobbies, meet with my Poetry club, and sing at various events, but I end up having to back out because I can't get him to watch her. You see, I haven't done much of anything since Elise was born, other than the million things a day a mother does. And I love being a mother to my beautiful 2 and a half year old "Shadow". I can deny her nothing. But if my husband is here, I end up caring for him too. Only it's not really "caring" anymore. That ended a few years ago. It's following orders. Even as I sit here trying to find where I left my feelings, he is laying on the couch, masking his face, which he will then steam, work-out, dye his hair, and plan his weekend of skateboarding or whatever he's into now. I have suggestions for "family days", but they are quickly dismissed. They interrupt the plans he's made for himself. Would that I could paint my toenails, shop for new clothes, do something that was my idea. How I wish I had the time for any of those things. But to even tease myself with the idea that I have any form of freedom over myself is only setting myself up to be mad at the loss of the plans I'd looked forward too. Then I feel selfish for thinking of myself. How dare I make plans! Who am I to think my life is important or of any worth? I worry that I really can't be trusted to clean things myself, pick out the groceries, or my own clothes. I've forgotten how casually I treated those things before. How I took those small freedoms for granted. I am obviously using this page as a vent. There are moments when I feel like he may care for me. Even after 12 years of marriage I'm still unsure. But I live one day at a time. Loving my daughter with all my might, trying to think of new ways to get his attention that will inspire love in all of us. There ARE days of rose petals in the bed, and he treated me like gold through my whole pregnancy. That is a great accomplishment for most men, yet he passed that test with flying colors. I just pray that he doesn't forget what a blessing it is to have a family, and that we were very lucky to have a child at our age. We have a checkered past, but our present has forgotten that, and our future could outshine my highest hopes. If only this optomistic voice in my head could outshout the orders he's barking at me, even as I write this.

Nothing

This is just my thought for the day: Duh...More later. Like actual words that make up sentences. Seriously, you'll be impressed.